Wayne's Breaking Point
by RioTheRiver
Summary: Wayne, a chronic flirt, is sick of Holly and Ford's denial. He only wants to set them up on a romantic date- but his frustration might have caused him to go a teensy bit too far. Another oneshot! FordxHolly/Nanami. Slight crack-fic and OOC Wayne. Enjoy!


When Wayne sauntered into the post office after deliveries, the first thing he noticed was his victims, standing side by-side, chatting, and filling out postal slips. _Perfect._ His normally charming features twisted into a sneaky, calculative expression, that startled Ethan so much he dropped the _In-going_ letters tray into the bin of _Out-going_ letters, causing chaos and consequently grinding the entire postal system for the three towns to a halt for the rest of the week.

However, Wayne had no time for unimportant "failure to fulfill the vital responsibility of his federal job," as his unpaid suspension review later stated. He was on a _mission._

Holly and Ford jumped apart slightly as Wayne leaned his entire mid-section over the area of desk between them. He planted his elbow on the desk and propped his head up. "Howdy, folks," he purred and looked coyly towards the pair. "Having a nice... post office experience?"

While Ford just raised a pale eyebrow at his friend's uncharacteristic behaviour, Holly recovered quickly. She was used to villagers trying to manipulate her for their own gain.

"Howdy, Wayne!" The chipper girl set her pen down and smiled at her friend. "What's on your mind?"

"Something on my mind?" Wayne examined the nails on his other hand. "Oh, there's nothing on my mind. I'm just sitting here,"He flicked Ford's papers, "Casually," He looked meaningfully from Holly to Ford, "Chatting to my two good friends."

"Oh," Holly stared down quizzically at the spread out form of the town womanizer, "So... You don't need us?"

There was an awkward pause as Wayne realised he had made his entrance too dramatic to play the "subtle" approach. Ford snorted.

"Well," Wayne straightened up quickly. "I suppose there is something I thinking about."

He suddenly slung an arm around each of them and swung them around to face the other wall of the post office, which almost exactly the same as the first one.

"Tonight," He declared, "Is Carrie and Brad's eight year anniversary."

Again, Ford and Holly waited for their friend to continue, but he remained silent, gazing intensely at the blank wall they were facing. Eventually, Holly tried, "Umm...That's nice?"

"It is more than nice, darlin'," he started. Suddenly, he faced Holly and shot her a billion-gold smile. "By the way, may I say how cute you are looking today?"

Holly, forever the naive farmer, blushed pink and giggled awkwardly. Ford clicked his tongue. "What is this about, Wayne?" He asked shortly.

The postal worker cursed himself internally. _Dammit_ _Wayne, don't get distracted! Your dastardly good looks won't help in this situation!_

Recovering quickly from his habitatual slip, he squeezed his friends tighter, and chuckled. "My apologies, Ford. Let me get back on topic." He coughed, then continued. "Tonight, is Carrie and Brad's anniversary. In honour of such an occasion, Marco is handling the restaurant for them, and also," Pause for effect. "He's going to host a Romantic, Couples Discount evening at the Garden Grill!" He lingered for the expected enthused reactions.

"And?" Ford stated blankly.

"And?" Wayne asked in horror. "And?! It's a perfect night for couples! And perhaps for..." he smiled mysteriously. "Couples that are yet to be coupled."

"What?" Holly asked in confusion.

Wayne stood tall and spoke a little louder than necessary, "Just imagine it! The relaxing atmosphere, the good food..." As he trailed off he slipped out from the middle of the people sandwich he had made, and began to press Holly and Ford's shoulders together. His eyes glazed. "The romantic music, the glowing candles..." Finally, he leaned his head on the platform their shoulders had made, batting his eyes at the two. "The intimate conversation, and the," He dropped his voice seductively. "Half-price oysters."

Ford twisted his mouth in exasperation but didn't move. "What's your point Wayne?"

"What's my-" Wayne rapidly lifted his head and angrily addressed the back of Ford's head. "Isn't it obvious, doc?"

"Not really." Holly stated cheerfully, twisting around beside Ford to face Wayne.

Wayne sighed. Really, the strangeness of some people's minds!

"Well, folks," he said slowly, "It's a bargain deal, for two people to eat good food, and I thought... that you two could go." He splayed his hands out, then clapped them together, to show what a pair looked like.

Ford and Holly looked at each other. An understanding seemed to pass between them.

 _Yes!_ Wayne noticed the look and celebrated in his head. _This is it! They said it couldn't be done, but I did it! I did i-_

Holly and Ford burst out laughing.

 _Whaa-?_

"Oh, Wayne!" Holly giggled and wiped her eyes. "You sure are funny!"

Ford muttered, "And unstable." But he was smiling slight at Holly, who continued to laugh.

Wayne wilted like an eggplant in summer. "What do you mean?" He managed.

"Well," Ford looked at Holly, who nodded back in agreement. "We're not a couple."

Wayne's mouth fell open. "Yes, I know that-"

"And it is a dinner evening for _couples._ " Ford stressed. "We do not fit that description, ergo, we have no reason to go together." He shrugged. "Simple logic."

"Yup!" Holly chipped in. "Plus, I already have plans."

"Oh yes, speaking of which," Ford finally turned completely to face the smaller farmer. They were still standing very close together, but didn't seem to care. "Would you like a side dish with the omelette?"

Holly thought briefly. "Hmmm, well, I have some tomato salad I could bring-"

"Wait." Wayne felt like he was on speed. "You can't go to the couples evening," He squinted at the pair. "Because you're 'not' a couple," He breathed in. "And you're _already eating together?!"_

"Yes." Ford affirmed.

"Of course!" Holly agreed. "Friday night is 'Dinner at Ford's place' night!" She beamed up at the doctor, who smiled dryly back.

Wayne stared incredulously at his friends, who began to discuss deserts. _They are actual, genuine, denser than lead, idiots._ He thought dumbly.

 _"Fine!"_ Wayne snapped. He was done playing Mr. Nice Postman. Every man has a breaking point, and this train wreck of a courtship was his. His Grandpa would be rolling in his grave.

Wayne yanked at Ford away from ogling Holly to face him. "Ford," he growled. "Will you eat with me at the restaurant tonight?"

Ford stared at him.

"As friends, Ford, _as friends!"_ Wayne groaned.

Ford scowled. "No, we just told you, we have plan-"

Wayne leaned menacingly towards his friend. "C'mon, Ford." He said forcefully. "We've been pals for years, you can do this much for me. Afterall," He smiled. "Think of all those favours I did for you. The requests completed, the meals shared," His voice lowered. "That _incident_ at the clinic I helped cover up. Can't you at least cancel plans for me, just _once?"_

Ford's nostrils flared. He glared at Wayne. "Fine." He forced out. "Fine, I'll eat with you."

"Perfect. And Holly." Wayne rounded on the girl, "Sweet, pure, Holly." The farmer looked slightly intimidated. Wayne continued on. "Just a new, lonely girl to the town. So... isolated, on that big, empty farm." Wayne looked hard at the girl's face. "But I know." He whispered, "What really goes on there. The things that you've ordered to that farm. I know _exactly_ what was in each and every one of those deliveries."

The girl stared back at Wayne, pale and trembling.

"So," Wayne smirked. "Will you eat with us at the restaurant tonight?"

"O-okay." Holly faltered at last.

 _"Fan-_ tastic!" The previously demented expression dropped from Wayne's classically handsome face. "You're both going to the Garden Grill tonight. Meet at seven, on the dot!"

"What about you?" Ford spat out. He glared at the manic Postman. Holly shrank behind him, eyes wide.

"Me?" Wayne laughed. "Oh, I just remembered, I can't make it tonight. I gotta... ummm... I gotta polish my spurs!" He shrugged sadly, in a ' _what can you do?'_ kind of way. "Just, you know, your typical cowboy kinda of stuff. Have fun tonight, lovebirds!"

Wayne waved an arm in goodbye, then strode confidently towards the door. As he grabbed the door handle, he paused. "Oh," He spoke into the shocked silence, his back to the room. "And just in case you think of not going..." He turned slowly to face them, eyes dark and voice darker. " _Remember what I know."_

And with that, the door _clicked_ shut, and Wayne was gone.

A stunned silence filled the room.

At last, Holly gulped, then timidly reached out and grabbed Ford's hand. "What- what just happened?"

Ford looked down in surprise at the hand enclosed in his, then gave it a comforting squeeze. "I don't know." He said truthfully. He sighed. "But I think we had better do what he said." The doctor shuddered. "He seemed serious."

"Yeah..." Holly blushed as a thought occurred to her. "So, umm... See you at seven?" She peered bashfully at Ford, who watched in surprise. Something _plucked_ at his heart. He made a mental note to check his blood pressure.

"Sure." He answered slowly. "See you at seven."

Hand-in-hand, the doctor and farmer gazed at each other, as it dawned on them why Wayne had wanted them to go to dinner together.

Behind the reception, Ethan scrabbled despairingly at the jumbled letters, left eye twitching. "That oaf, Wayne." He muttered. "He wasn't wrong when he said he was bad at manipulating people."

XxXXXxXxXXXxXxXXXxXXXxX

The end!

Well, this was... not what I thought it would be. I found a prompt about a friend inviting a ship to dinner then not turning up, so I thought I'd give it a go. It turned out WAY more like a crack-fic then I intended, but I'm pretty happy with it. Sorry if Wayne seems like a creeper, but he just fit the description I needed, and then actually gave me a lot of inspiration for jokes. I do love him, honestly! And the last paragraph is sort of loosely based on his dialogue where he says he's bad at lying, or something like that.

Btw, this is the first time I've tried to be particularly funny in a story, so I'd really appreciate any critique for that. Tell me if you got a laugh:) I did, because I'm lame and like to laugh at my own jokes, lol. Also, I know I'm not always great at spacing out my paragraphs so it flows well, so please tell me if you think any changes would work better.

That's all for now! Love, Rio


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